On leaving home for the first time


Two months away there is a blank space in the shape of a dorm room I have only seen in clean, empty advertisements
Two months away I am surrounded by blank faces I can’t fill in because I haven’t met them yet
Placeholders, mannequins in, I assume, Jack Wills and skinny jeans with strategically visible Calvin Klein underwear elastic
Meticulously messy hair winged eyeliner and Delevigne brows
I am told these blank mannequins will become my closest friends, but I worry they’ll cook bacon in my frying pan and steal my potatoes from the oven
I can’t use a tin opener and I hate the feeling of water on my arms and egg floating in the washing up bowl
And I wonder what eco-systems will grow in the piles of dirty dishes and who will be the first to break and wash everything and I hope it’s not me
I worry that I’ll have to take the trash out even if there’s spiders in the bins
I worry about finding spiders in my room and I hope one of the mannequins will get rid of them for me
I worry about my mother missing me and I worry about missing my mother
I’m not sure I’ll be able to ride a bike on the roads by the end of the summer and I will have to walk half an hour to class and be late because I’m bad at time keeping and I’ll be exiled from the kitchen at breakfast by the smell of fried eggs
I worry about people stealing my food and my cutlery and my love interests
A lecturer said it was a ‘good red uni’ but I know I’ll start fights with Tories and I hope they’re not the ones I’m sharing a sofa with
But my mum read somewhere that if you stare at someone for long enough you’ll fall in love a little bit and I guess that’s the theory behind student housing
On my last day before leaving I will walk on the cliffs and breath in home
And whenever I miss it I will sit on Cardiff bay and watch the seagulls and the tourists and say to myself it’s not that different and remember how I fell in love with the trees and wide pavements and crossing the road without always having to press a button
And I’ll steal my cousins away and show them my new city and buy their love with ice-cream and movies
And watch them grow as I watch the leaves fall to the ground that is slowly becoming my home